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Bring them up RIGHT

Published on Jun 19, 2003 The Nation

The teenage students who went on separate shooting rampages last week may well have had their own particular reasons for doing so, but from a larger societal perspective, their violent actions were a reflection of the failure of the family unit, says family experts.

The parents of one of the children reportedly said that the child was “well-disciplined and had good grades” but admitted that they spoiled the child.

But not every spoiled child goes around shooting people, says Supawadee Hanmethi, managing editor of Plan Publishing Group which produces a range of family magazines including Life & Family.

“Many parents view their children in a limited way – in the belief that children with good grades are good children, while ignoring other life skills that enable them to live with happily others,” says Supawadee, a mother of two sons, 18 and 14.

Most parents are carried along by today’s wave of mainstream culture in which a child’s success is narrowly defined, but as Supawadee reminds us: “Let’s not forget that good academic merit is not a panacea.”

Lat week’s tragic incidents also reflect a failure in our education system that equates their success exclusively on the number of students that pass the entrance exams, adds the managing editor. “In schools there are no periods dedicated to how students can learn to creatively solve problems with friends.”

Contributing factors of teen violence include the media, peer pressure and biological disorders, yet there are three positive things parents can do, says Supawadee:

1. Be aware of violence and abuse of all kinds. The family may be the “closet factor”, introducing children to violence. Understand that violence is not only physical but can also be verbal, and the kinds of pressure that puts on children. When parents physically or verbally abuse each other or their offspring, children can copy the behaviour if they come to view it as normal.

2. Create an atmosphere of open discussion where children can talk openly about all topics, both no-nonsense and nonsense, success, faults and failure. Do not ask “Have you finished your homework?” or “Did you get a good grade?” whenever you see your children’s face. In other words, don’t leave them feeling that study is the only topic they can turn to you and talk about.

“I tease my sons when girls call them at home. For example, writing love letters is not a ‘no-no’, but can be turned by parents into a positive activity.”

3. Beef up children’s self-esteem. Thai children have reportedly low self-esteem, says Supawadee. When children feel they have no value, they seek value from the outside to fill the void. Some kids are not good at science or maths and feel they inferior, despite having good human relations.

“Parents need to make sure the children know they are precious. One way to help them feel better is by accentuating their positive sides and tell them to keep up the good work.”

Dr Prasert Palittapolkarnpim, a teen psychologist of Chiang Rai Prachanukroh Hospital, is sharply critical of society.

“Children’s violence is not a single phenomenon. If parents are close enough to children, they will notice signs. Some children’s violence is biological or stems from an organic brain syndrome, while that of others’ is psychological, like having low tolerance,” says the psychologist, who has eight schools in the North under his supervision.

While Dr Prasert strongly agrees with the senator and child activist Wallop Tangkananurak, or “Kru Yui”, on the failure of the family, education, and society as a whole, he singles out the education system for particular criticism.

“The education system in general has produced virtually nothing but selfish manpower who think of nothing but to strive for upper social status or wealth.”

Half of today parents are “low-quality” parents, regardless of their level of education, believes the psychologist, who is a father of a teenager.

“Parents of lower socio-economic status are busy striving of higher standards of living while those of higher socio-economic status are busy pursuing master degrees, condoning parenting and its consequences. They do not think that one day they may have to pay more than they earn.”

Time, not money, nor high status, is the key resource children need, stressed the psychologist.

“Spending time with your children is the greatest gift you can give to them and yourself. My teenager usually retreated to his room with the telephone whenever his friends called. But one day, to my delight, he talked in the living room in our presence. I told him I liked such behaviour, praising him for doing a good thing. Since then, he has been comfortable having conversations with them when we are around,” says the psychologist.

“Precious moments can only occur and only be noticed when you have spent time with your children.”

Aree Chaisatien

The Nation